Doubt
by Chellero
Summary: One moment of passion has drastic consequences for Carter.


**A/N: Wolfmusic218, in all her instigating glory, brought this subject matter up jokingly when I was writing _Attunement_ and I thought it would be an interesting challenge.**

She hoped she was John's.

Every day. Every morning she woke up she had the same thought. Every night before she went to sleep it preceded her dreams.

He wasn't a safe bet at all. All the uncertainty and violence and risk-taking and law-breaking. Even though he said he didn't, he acted like he had a death wish. Acted like death was the only true penance for all the wet work he did for the government. She had no expectation that he'd be there forever or even the next five years. No faith that he'd be there to see her off on her first day of kindergarten, much less see her graduate high school.

But she still hoped the baby was John's.

Joss laid in her bed staring at the ceiling, hand over her large belly as Sunday morning's sun rays cut an annoyingly cheerful path through her bedroom windows. Never in a million years would she have ever thought she'd find herself in a situation like this. It was so unbelievable, being a couple of vigilantes' side helper with indirect ties to an AI would have been less fantastic. But she _was_ some vigilantes' sidekick, and she _was_ pregnant and not absolutely certain the baby belonged to John.

She thought back to where it all started for the umpteenth time. To everything that led up to that fateful night that brought everything into question and turned her life into a soap opera cliche.

For four months she had dated Cedric, and it had ended up being the first time she'd ever been dumped. She'd deserved it, wasn't surprised when it happened. She'd learned it was impossible to be in a relationship while doing what she did with John and the rest of the team. Realized she'd have to trust the guy as much as she trusted John. Knew it would have to be at that level to tell her man what they did, what she did, and know he wouldn't turn any of them in and would support her.

She hadn't wanted to think about how impossible that likely was, how difficult that level of trust would be to achieve. It ranked John too high in her life, made him an impossible standard to reach, and that was something she wasn't ready to face. Of course, she could have chosen to stop assisting John and Finch and decide to live her life with someone, but she couldn't do that and that made her just as uncomfortable. It meant that John was the man in her life and made it all the more formidable to resist her attraction to him.

She and Cedric had used condoms the few times they had sex. The last time had been on a Friday night, the day before the banquet in which he was to receive a black businessman award, and she had promised she'd be there. And she _had_ planned to go and stay. But John had called. They'd needed all hands on deck to surveil several different people at the same time. She'd known it looked bad, leaving in the middle of the ceremony. Known Cedric was probably at the end of his rope with her because she always had "work" that she could never fully explain, "work" that popped up after she'd already told him she was off and wasn't on call. But she'd rationalized that it was someone's life at stake and his feelings might take a hit but he'd get over it.

He hadn't and the following Monday, he'd met with her and told her it wasn't going to work out. That her priorities were elsewhere and he couldn't deal with the secrecy. She'd been mostly relieved, having struggled with not giving him too much information while trying to be open with him. But it had meant she was single again. It had meant that John was still number one.

And then the following Friday night she had unceremoniously slept with John.

She blamed her car for it to this day. The damn gas-guzzling SUV she should have gotten rid of a long time ago. It had broken down on her, at night, and not in the best part of town. She'd gotten ahold of AAA and waited and, not to her surprise at all, John had shown up to wait with her. The tow truck driver had eventually hauled her vehicle to the shop and her pseudo bodyguard had driven her home. And that was where she'd messed up.

He'd asked with a smirk on his face what she'd baked, because she always had something sweet and homemade in her kitchen. Baking decompressed her and he'd been in her place often enough to notice. She'd told him to come inside and see. Five minutes later they'd stood in her quiet kitchen eating her sweet potato pie while she joked that he probably couldn't tell a sweet potato pie from a pumpkin pie.

She remembered vividly how she'd stood there, feeling the tension in the air thickening to the point it almost became difficult to breathe. She remembered thinking she should walk away so it would stop snowballing and dissipate. But she didn't. She recalled the exact moment he hit that fork in the road they always reached and chose the path never taken.

He'd claimed he'd had sweet potato pie before many times, but never quite as sweet, as he crossed the tiny kitchen over to her, wedging her where the refrigerator met the countertop. He'd left her without personal space, and everything in her that wasn't primal had shut down before she could stop him from kissing her until her toes curled and she soaked through her panties.

In less than a minute, his pants and underwear had settled around his ankles and hers had hung from one foot as she was hoisted to the countertop. He'd grunted into her ear as he sank inside and she'd moaned into his as she took him whole.

She'd known what she was doing was probably wrong and definitely incredibly stupid. She'd known it every time she took his thrusts and shuddered from the exquisite feel of him. She'd _known_. But she didn't stop. She'd told herself everything would be okay when it was over. There'd be no serious consequences. She would learn her lesson and never do it again. She'd get out unscathed. Because it had felt so good. _So_ good. She could've packed her bags and lived where he had taken her. To this day she didn't know what had gotten into him. What had made him so bold and gotten him to cross that line and pull her with him.

Afterwards, she'd taken the coward's way out and avoided him. She hadn't wanted to talk about it or acknowledge that it happened. And he'd ended up following her lead. They might have been able to continue the farce had she not ended up pregnant. She'd known she caught feelings after it happened. Stronger feelings. But she hadn't been ready to commit to them. To him. It had been foolish to get physically involved with someone she knew good and damn well she was emotionally attached to. With someone with such an extraordinarily dangerous past, present, and future, and whose entire existence had to be hidden and protected.

But she did.

Still staring at the ceiling, she shook her head. All that time with no dating, no sex, and now look at her. Two rolls in the hay within a one week period had turned her world upside down.

Telling Taylor had been humiliating. He was at that age where being taught responsibility was crucial. And no child his age wanted to know about his parents having sex. But she was honest with him and they'd fortunately had one of the best, most open conversations they'd ever had. She'd told him she was embarrassed to be in this position but her boy got over his initial shock, told her everything was going to be okay, and that he could get used to the idea of being a big brother. She'd always known she'd been blessed with the best kid any parent could hope for, and that fact was forever solidified, even though she still prayed he didn't view her fuck-up as a get-out-of-jail-free card for a future fuck-up of his own choosing.

Her mother was disappointed without saying it but she knew her daughter was a grown woman who'd been through a lot and would get through this, too. Telling Cedric had been difficult not only because she had to tell him that for eight months he wouldn't know whether he was going to be a father or not, but because it was proof positive that he'd been right. She wasn't a hundred percent into their relationship, that there had been something else the whole time. _Someone_ else.

Telling John, well, that one had had her the most nervous. She had fallen for him, totally against her will, so his reaction mattered more to her than anyone else's. Where would a baby fit in his life? How would he feel possibly being tied to her through a child for the rest of his life? After she'd practically ignored him and acted like the spontaneous, unprotected sex in her kitchen had never happened?

As she'd sat across from him at her kitchen table, her breath quickened, heart pounded, hands sweated and shook. But he'd looked at her with those sensitive eyes, searching and soothing. To her relief, he had already gauged the severity of her nervousness, so the minute she told him she was pregnant, he already knew the timing had things in question.

His eyes had changed from understanding to controlled hopefulness when she told him she'd used protection with Cedric but not any form of it with him. She saw the moment he'd allowed himself to envision fatherhood and she'd had to stop looking at him. She was a planner, always thinking numerous steps ahead, so she had to plan for the possibility that the condom had failed without their knowledge, no matter how slim the possibility. She had to. The excitement he'd tried to hide had broken her heart then and every time she'd seen it since.

Cedric checked in on her every week, made sure she didn't need anything. She shared doctor's appointment updates with him if he asked. He'd moved to Chicago a month after their split and talked about moving back if he ended up having the responsibility. All in all, he was doing everything she could expect from a man in his position and she couldn't complain. She knew she had hurt him not being completely honest with him, keeping him out of a large part of her life, and she was grateful it appeared to be water under the bridge. But, still, the only person she dreaded hurting in the end was John.

She sighed, dragging herself away from her thoughts when her phone vibrated on the nightstand. She knew it was him texting before she picked it up. He communicated with her at least once every single day be it by text, phone call, or in-person visit.

 _Pancakes or waffles?_

She smiled to herself. He'd brought her French toast yesterday. She dialed his number and waited for him to answer.

"Neither?" He asked in lieu of a greeting. "You want French toast again, don't you?" His voice was teasing.

She chuckled. "No, I think I'll just do cereal and toast this morning. But thanks, John."

She listened to his silence on the other end.

"You sure? I'll let you have French toast again, promise. I won't say a word."

"Yeah, I'm sure. Stay home. Relax. Take care of yourself for once this morning." There was another extended silence before he responded.

"Okay. You know where I am if you need anything."

"I do. Thank you."

* * *

Reese smiled tightly for a second before he hung up and set his phone down on the kitchen counter.

He could tell by her tone that she was feeling down again. About the usual. Not knowing, still not believing she was in this situation. She wouldn't feel better until she knew for sure. He tried to be supportive since this wasn't something he could protect her from, and he was patient because he needed to come to terms with things himself. He wanted to be with her. She made him want more time. But their relationship was in limbo because they didn't know. How would he deal if the little girl she was carrying wasn't his?

It was too good to be true. A child he knew he'd never have, not because he couldn't make one, but because he knew he shouldn't. So he wouldn't. He hadn't counted on Joss Carter, however. She had changed his mind about a lot of things, and one moment of reckless abandon with her was changing his mind about fatherhood. Maybe he could. Maybe he should. Maybe he would.

He tried on a regular basis not to get his hopes up. The odds were highly in his favor but he'd been close to happiness before only to have it snatched away. Still, he saw it. Him with his beautiful daughter, a mix of him and Joss. The four of them as a family. The desire for it had uncontrollably settled deep within his bones the minute she'd told him. There was no way of getting it out. He'd have to live with the hurt for the rest of his days if it didn't happen.

Then there was the third party. Her ex. He would never tell her because she felt bad enough, but he hated sharing her pregnancy with another man, even one who physically was not around. He wanted to be involved every step of the way, didn't want to miss anything, but she went to her doctor's appointments alone, and he was relegated to getting progress reports only when he asked, right along her ex. She let him in only so much. Maybe because she wanted to be fair to both of them, he didn't know.

The worst, however, was the fact that she clearly only blamed herself when everything they were dealing with was his fault, too. He'd succumbed to his monumental desire for her without thought of repercussion when he slipped inside her raw. He'd known from overhearing one of her conversations that she wasn't with Cedric Davenport anymore but to this day he wasn't so sure he would have stopped himself if she hadn't been single.

Forcing himself out of his head, Reese opened his refrigerator and began to prepare breakfast for one instead of four.

* * *

Carter sighed and shook her head to herself as she and her friend Karen looked at different layette sets at the big box baby item store. "I still can't believe I'm doing this again."

"Life doesn't always go as you plan." Karen held a set out in front of her. "This is cute."

Carter frowned. "It's a lot of pink, isn't it?"

Karen sighed, placing the set back on the rack, her frustration with her friend escalating quickly. With Joss's attitude, they'd never get anything she was going to need. She had had to practically drag her friend here, otherwise the baby would be born without any of the necessities. She'd already refused to have a shower.

Karen picked up another one. "Okay. Yellow. See? Perfect."

"Yeah, that's fine." There was no enthusiasm in her voice.

Karen placed it in the cart. "Girl, I keep telling you. The minute you see her, the minute you hold her in your arms, you're not going to be able to imagine your life without her." She started pushing the cart forward. "Look, I know you feel like a complete failure, like you're not allowed to fuck up once in your entire perfect life, but you gotta get over it now. She's coming and, yes, you gotta do it all over again. No, the circumstances aren't great. But both of them are doing what they need to be doing, so at least you didn't get mixed up with a couple of assholes. So, suck it up and let's buy this shit."

Carter sighed. She should have known this lecture was coming. Karen was not one to hold her tongue for very long, and even though she already knew everything her friend was saying, she still needed to hear it. She had been pseudo depressed ever since she took that home pregnancy test. She was in her forties, unmarried and possibly having a child with someone she didn't want to be with who lived in another state, but more likely with someone constantly running from the law with numerous aliases that she was crazy to want to be with. She already had a child well on his way to college and was going to have to do the sleepless nights all over again. She was going to have to eventually find another place to live because she only had a two-bedroom and she would be damned if she was kicking Taylor out of his room as soon as he left for school. And to top it all off, she was stuck doing clerical work forty hours a week instead of solving murder cases and helping to prevent them with Finch, John, Shaw, and Fusco. She missed her life. She missed what her life was. And she was having a hard time adjusting to this new one. And she felt guilty and selfish for feeling the way she did.

"I'll be sixty-onewhen she turns eighteen. _Sixty-one_!"

"So? You know black don't crack. You'll look forty-five, fifty tops. And you keep in shape now, just keep it up."

They continued walking toward the playpens as Karen pushed the shopping cart. Carter lowered her voice but her words were forceful. " _And I don't know who her father is!_ I have to do a DNA test on my child as soon as she comes out. I mean, do you know how bad that sounds? It's not like I'm gonna be able to tell as soon as she comes out. Taylor was light bright when he was born."

"Real talk, Joss. What are condom failure rates? Like, two percent or less or some shit? That baby's ninety-eight percent John's. I think you're stressing yourself out for nothing." She stopped when they passed the bouncers. "What about a bouncer? You're gonna need that before a playpen."

Carter sighed and nodded. "Yeah."

They surveyed them while Karen kept talking. "But you were right to let Cedric know. Just in case. But that baby's coming out half-white, chile."

Carter chuckled softly and shook her head. She had needed this. She loved her friend dearly. Someone who wouldn't sugarcoat things but still managed to make her feel better.

She stopped when she suddenly felt butterflies in her stomach after she caught sight of a man in her periphery. She turned her head fully and her heart sped up a little when she saw John across the middle aisle, talking with a sales clerk in front of the strollers. She melted a little. She melted a lot.

Karen followed her line of sight before looking at the tender expression on her face. She took a few steps away and busied herself with the bouncers.

Carter made her way over to him. His eyes fell on hers as he finished with the sales clerk, surprise and immense pleasure in them. It warmed her from head to toe. It always did when he looked at her like that. He finally returned his attention to the clerk and thanked her. Carter smiled and nodded at the young woman as she walked away.

Reese hadn't expected to run into Joss but he was glad he had. She awed him with her glow every time he saw her. Her face had filled out, along with the rest of her, and it was fascinating how beautiful pregnancy made her.

"What are you doing?"

He looked and waved his hand toward the strollers. "You're going to need one of these." He shrugged. "Thought I'd get one."

Her hormones cursed her then and she found herself fighting back tears. He was so not perfect but why was he perfect? Why was all of this bullshit happening? He was always there, whether it was to literally save her life, or help her through the most stressful time in her life, it didn't matter. He was what she needed and wanted and she was going to be devastated if he was doing all this and...and...She felt his touch on her arm and looked up into his concerned eyes.

"You okay?"

She nodded automatically but he knew she was lying if the look in his eyes was any indication.

He didn't think he could take too much more of this. She was so stressed out and depressed, all because he couldn't keep his hands to himself. Seeing the woman he loved and always tried to protect going through this was something he never imagined he'd be a party to. Something he never knew would hurt so much.

Joss found her voice, wanting to get away from him before she lost it and had the good cry on his shoulders she needed to have. He probably wanted her opinion on the stroller since she was standing there but she needed to go. "Thank you." She opened her mouth to say something else. Tell him he didn't need to do this and that she liked the gray and yellow one and that she cared about him so damn much and that she didn't want him to leave her if the baby wasn't his.

Instead, she turned and left, grabbed Karen, and rushed her to the checkout line so she could go home and cry on her pillow instead.

* * *

Carter groaned miserably as she wrapped her hands around Reese's arm and leaned on him for support. "Why did I agree to do this?"

Reese chuckled. "Because you love food and couldn't resist." They left the last restaurant of the Greenwich Food Tour and walked down the sidewalk, both of them miserable and fighting off the itis.

"I shouldn't have eaten all that. Why didn't you stop me?" She moaned with her head pressed against his arm.

"I told you not to overdo it. Just eat a little bit of the sample at each place. But then you ate them and started reaching into my plate."

"It was good and I was hungry."

He nodded. "A little too good, huh?"

She groaned again in answer as they continued walking.

John had taken her to the famous food tour because, besides Shaw, she was the only person who loved trying new foods as much as he did. And, even though he didn't say so, she knew he was trying to take her mind off things, cheer her up. It was a beautiful evening early in September and she was glad he'd talked her into it after she initially told him no. "I think I need you to carry me to the car." She was joking but, after she said it, she kind of hoped he'd take her seriously. She laughed when he stopped suddenly and picked her up, absolutely taking her seriously. "John! I was kidding!"

He started walking. "You sure?"

She looked around. "Well, it is kinda nice up here. But yes."

"You're sure?"

"Yes."

"Absolutely sure?"

She giggled. "Yes. I need to walk this meal off anyway." She continued to smile once he set her back onto her feet. Wanting to touch him, she grabbed a hold of his arm again.

He glanced down at her. "Tired, Joss? Ready to go home?" He hoped she wasn't. It was 7pm, just on the verge of getting dark, and he was enjoying her lightheartedness, her humor, everything about her.

She was. But she wasn't ready to go home. "Not really."

They were close to Washington Square Park which was always lit up with activity. He asked, "Wanna go to the park for a minute or two?"

"Yeah, let's go."

They got there and continued walking slowly, people watching and enjoying the ambiance. Falling more in love with the idea of doing this, together, from now on. Falling more in love with the idea of being together. Falling more in love.

Growing tired, Carter spotted a place for them to sit. She nodded her head toward it. "Can we sit for a minute?"

"Of course." He led them over to a spot on the concrete slab running the perimeter of the fountain and helped her to sit before sitting beside her. He looked up at the clear sky. This, this was almost perfect. Her, him. It was almost everything he'd ever wanted.

She sighed. "I better enjoy this while I can. Life changes totally when you have a baby at home."

He couldn't tell by the tone of her voice whether she was upset, wistful, or accepting. He wondered again if his life was going to change in the same way as hers. "We can always bring her here with us."

She turned her head sharply to look at him at his choice of pronoun. She looked away again and placed her hands on the edge of the concrete. Something, finally, compelled her to bring it up and she steeled herself. "So, are we ever going to talk about it?"

John dropped his head. Maybe it had been long overdue but he wasn't sure he was ready, especially since they were having such a pleasant evening. But she'd gone there and was expecting an answer. He swallowed. "I really want her to be mine. The thought of her not being mine….."

Joss looked down. "I'm sorry, John."

"No." He shook his head. "No. If it's your fault, it's mine, too."

She shook her head nearly imperceptibly. "I know this is hard for you. I know she's mine. I know what I have to do. You're putting in all this time and effort, getting attached….and it could be a complete waste of your time." She sighed raggedly. "Unnecessary pain."

"I'm spending this time with you. That'll never be a waste." He looked out into the sparse crowd. "And I'm used to pain."

"I never wanted to be another person that hurt you."

"You won't be." He hesitated before he continued speaking, unsure if this was the time or place to let her in on his feelings. "Just don't leave….me. No matter how it turns out."

She finally turned to look at him, shocked and touched by his candor. Surprised and happy that he felt the same way. Falling more, still. "Promise me the same thing."

He faced her. Looked into her eyes as the sun began its descent. "Absolutely."

He took her hand and she told him all of it in three words. "I'm scared, John."

And he couldn't let her be scared. He couldn't withhold anything that could give her some semblance of clarity. A foundation she could rely on, so she could be a little less scared. This was the quiet before the storm-she was due in four weeks-and he needed to give himself some peace. He looked at their intertwined hands and then back into her eyes. "Joss, I know you know that I love you. I probably always have. And I know I always will." Her hand tensed in his and she began blinking but he forged ahead. "I'm going to love her either way. She's a part of you. Like Taylor.

"I'm home. Here. With you. We'll get through this. I promise."

She cried even though she threatened herself not to. Because she did know. All of his actions telegraphed it. But the verbal confirmation knocked her off balance and swept her away. She scooted closer to him, took her hand from his and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly until her arms got tired. "I'm home, too." She sat back and he smiled, wiping away her damn hormonal tears.

He kissed her softly once. Twice. And her baby turned somersaults in her belly.

 _Six weeks later_

"There you go. You got it." Joss stood to the side, instructing John on how to give Olivia a bath. "Just make sure you get under her neck." The baby squirmed, enjoying her bath mostly, and Joss wanted to laugh at how nervous he was.

John was having a hell of a time trying to give her a bath. She was still so tiny, he was afraid he'd press too hard or grip her too tightly. It had taken him almost a week to stop being afraid of holding her incorrectly in his arms. "Okay, I think we got everything. You think she's getting cold?"

"She's okay. She'd let us know if she was." Joss grabbed the hooded duck bath towel and waited for John to pick her up. She helped him wrap the two-week old infant in it and he immediately cradled her to his chest. He followed Joss out of the warm bathroom to her bedroom slash nursery where the space heater was running. She laid a blanket out on the floor. "Okay, now we lotion her up, put on a diaper, her pajamas, and we're done." He settled onto his knees and carefully placed the baby on the blanket. She settled down next to him and handed him the dye-free, fragrance-free baby lotion. She shook her head. So much had changed since Taylor was a baby. So many don'ts that were dos when he was little.

Watching John as he continued drying her off, Joss thought back on the last couple of weeks. The moment the heavy burden of doubt finally lifted from her shoulders. Both men had wanted to be in the delivery room. She couldn't deal with that so she had her mother with her instead, enlisting Karen to videotape it. Which didn't turn out too well since Olivia had decided to make her birth as eventful as Taylor's. One emergency C-section later, she met her squalling, blue-eyed daughter. She didn't know where in the hell she had gotten a recessive blue eye trait from but, unless Cedric coincidentally had one too, Olivia was John's child. A discrete DNA test had confirmed it before Cedric even left Chicago and she and John moved on with their life together.

She watched as John finished with the lotion before dressing his daughter, still treating her as if she were made from the most fragile of glass. He'd spent more time with her and their daughter than on his job for the past two weeks. She didn't know what his future plans were now that he was a father, but she'd already seen a significant change in him. Talk of the future. Hating to leave the few times he left their side to help with Finch's numbers. From Fusco she'd heard he'd actually avoided doing something reckless for once. While she wouldn't try to change him, she would be lying if she said the changes he was making didn't please her.

"Okay." John picked Olivia up and got back to his feet.

"You did good, Daddy." Joss rose with him.

"I have an excellent teacher." He leaned over and gave her a kiss.

Joss smiled and rubbed Olivia on her back as the baby looked at her from within her father's arms. Though she was tired and still achy, she was finally at peace. She wasn't sure she'd go through it all over again, but she had Taylor, Olivia, and a beautiful man she loved who loved her back.

 _Yeah_ , she thought. _We're finally home._

 **Thanks for reading. :)**


End file.
